I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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