Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
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