My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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