Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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