Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
