Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
