I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i dont even know how to be here
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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