Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
