I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
