i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
