Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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