It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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