I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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