I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
