i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
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During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
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Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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