Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
