Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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