Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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