someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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