my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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