Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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