my phone needs a breathalizer
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize