I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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