We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
