I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
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Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
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How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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