Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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