I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
