Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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