i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
