theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Everclear isn't food dammit
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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