Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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