saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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