I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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