She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
me + whiskey = a bad person
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
