I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
