Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
