You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
