I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
