if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
