Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
