last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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