She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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