I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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