I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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