Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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