Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
