So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
