so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
