I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
This is classic penis vs brain.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
