I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i out mim tonsoeep
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