Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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