I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
