Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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