need another drink. this is the easiest way
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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